The Scene

It’s that famous scene at the Burning Bush in Exodus 3 and 4. God tells Moses he will be an instrument of salvation for His people Israel, leading them out of Egypt and into the Promised Land. Here is a paraphrase of the exchange:

Moses: Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh, and that I should bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?

God: I will be with you and you will serve God on this very mountain as a sign.

Moses: Okay, and what do I tell them when I ask who has sent me?

God: I AM WHO I AM, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. You, Moses, will stretch out your hand over Egypt in judgment and then Pharaoh will let the Israelites go.

The victory was assured. Still, you can sense anxiety as Moses presses further.

Moses: But suppose they don’t believe me or listen to my voice.

The nerve of this guy. God, the creator of all things, promises this will come to pass, but Moses’ insecurities still lead to doubt. God then gives two miraculous signs demonstrating how His power will be manifested by Moses’ hands.

Indeed, God is patient with us.

Moses was reassured, but still wanting to avoid what God has called him to do, he makes another excuse.

Moses: O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither before nor since You have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and slow of tongue.

Fear. Anxiety. Insecurity. Yep, I’ve been there, have you?

Perhaps Moses was simply a poor public speaker. Or, perhaps he really did have a speech impairment of some kind. We can’t say for certain, but the interesting thing is that God does not tell Moses that he is wrong in his assessment. He doesn’t try to boost Moses’ confidence by telling him he is in fact an eloquent speaker. No, God brings it all back to Himself. He responds in great rhetorical fashon.

God: Who made man’s mouth? Or who makes the mute, the deaf, the seeing, or the blind? Have not I, the Lord? Now, therefore go and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall say. 

God points back to Himself and essentially tells Moses that all of man’s abilities, inabilities, strengths, and weaknesses were made by Him. You have to give Moses credit for his stubbornness, though. It’s is an incredible thing to behold. He and Jonah would have been best of friends no doubt.

So who made man’s mouth? God did.

The Challenge For Us

However, I must evaluate myself here first before judging Moses. God reassures me of His promises, His love, and His grace over and over again in my life, yet I continue to fall short and say, “I just don’t know if I can trust you there, Lord. Surely I am not the one up to this task. That’s for REALLY strong Christians. Oh God, send someone else for this task. Not me. I don’t know if I have what it takes.

There is something about God’s rhetorical questions, “Who has made man’s mouth?” and “Who makes him mute, deaf, seeing, or blind?” that are gripping. For any parent of a child with a disability, it can challenge your faith like nothing else. I might say unequivocally that God is sovereign, but when push comes to shove, do I REALLY believe that God had autism in mind for Jack and Ellie before they were born? Can I really submit to God’s sovereignty over all things, including autism and disabilities in general?

I’ll admit that Katie and I have asked ourselves, “What have we done to cause or contribute to our kids’ autism”? We look for answers. We research relentlessly. We try to “fix” the problem. Surely this wasn’t God’s sovereign intention for our life. God intended our kids to be “neurotypical”. We made a mistake along the way. What have we done to cause this?

Therefore, God’s response is both encouraging and difficult for me to contend with as a special needs parent because it means that I am not the one in control.

Our Application

Yes, autism is from the sovereign hand of God. Who made man’s mouth? God did. Who made them deaf, mute, or blind? God did, unapologetically. That’s tough, and my weak faith has trouble accepting it at times.

I think there are three ways to respond. One, I can deny the sovereignty of God and continue blaming myself while searching endlessly for means of penance to help ease my conscience. I see no rest on that journey.

Two, I can accept this but be angry with God and distance myself from Him. The common statement here may be something to the effect of “How could a loving God allow this to happen?” I could question His loving nature. It doesn’t make sense, so I could start to question God’s goodness. I think I know better than Him, so I can distance myself and take matters into my own hands. It’s tempting sometimes to be angry at God.

Or three, I can lean into God through my pain and say, “I don’t understand why You brought this pain and difficulty into my life, but I choose not to lean on my understanding. You are still God. By your Spirit, cause me to press into You and to seek Your face regardless of circumstance. Just as You caused the plagues of Egypt to demonstrate that You are God and just as You used Moses’ weakness to bring about Your purpose to save Israel…..Take Jack and Ellie and use them for Your glory and Your purpose. Help me to trust in Your plan for my life, no matter what. You are God, and I am not”.

I pray by the grace of God that He would help me lean into Him through my weakness. I pray the same for you.