I Had Lost My Cool.

The following anecdote with Ellie happens more often than I care to admit. I’m sure you will relate. At the time of this recollection, Ellie was unable to communicate her wants or needs verbally at all and her trips to the kitchen for more snacks were constant. It went something like this:

“What do you want!? What…do…you…waaaant?!” I was losing it (again). There she was, standing at the fridge door whining for yet another snack. Cheese, cookies, juice, M&Ms, and Cinnamon Bread had become staples in my house. (I can’t be your spokesperson for gluten-free, dairy-free, whole-grain, organic grass-fed, no artificial anything, soy-free, grow it from your own garden-type food. It’s still a work in progress). She couldn’t tell me what she wanted and she was frustrated too, but at that moment, I just didn’t care. I was going to stand there and yell “What do you want” in the angriest tone I could muster because at that moment, I was determined to let the frustration take over me and I was going to let this 3-year old see how angry I was. The non-verbal communication had taken its toll on me.

“FINE, TAKE THE CHEESE, NOW GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN! NO MORE SNACKS!!”

I tore open the cheese stick and Ellie gladly took it. She trotted off out of the kitchen (not picking up on the intensity of my response at all) and I immediately knew I had failed in a HUGE way.

Yeah…I’m not as patient as I think.

Yes, I was acting like a child, and I honestly knew it too. I guess I was holding out hope that a word or sentence would finally come out of her. She wanted (more) cheese and I could have just calmly gotten it for her, but in a deep deep moment of weakness (and I have many which you will learn) and selfishness, I wanted Ellie to see and hear what I was feeling so I lashed out at her.

“Oh God, help me!” is a common phrase I utter in moments of weakness and I have many. Honestly, I always thought of myself as a patient person before Jack and Ellie came along. If someone had told me to rate myself on a scale of 1-10 in terms of how I viewed my patience level, I would have (proudly) given myself a solid 8. I’m complimented at work for being even-keeled and never seeming rattled, or cool under pressure. I tell them now, “You haven’t seen my weaknesses at home”.

God slapped me in the face (metaphorically speaking) and showed me I’m probably more in the ballpark of a 3. In other words, God has a lot more work to do on me in this area than I previously thought. God continues to humble me time and time again and demonstrates through my weakness that it’s not actually about me.

It’s All About Him

Through these counterproductive and sinful interactions, God is teaching me something about Himself. His forbearance toward us is something taken for granted and we must see His mercy in it. God is a patient Father. I am not. He is slow to anger. I am not. The dichotomy is clear now. I might be able to muster enough mental fortitude on my own to be more patient for an hour, a day, or even maybe a week, but inevitably I lose it and fail my children again.

But God is always longsuffering toward us and His grace is sufficient to help us! We must learn to run to him for help in situations where we lose our cool and lose our minds. After all, Jesus Christ intercedes on our behalf (Romans 8:34) and sympathizes with our weakness (Hebrews 4:15).

I pray that God wouldn’t simply give me the strength for behavior modification, but that He would mold my heart to look more like His because I know that the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit is my only hope toward becoming a more patient father. We’ve all made mistakes like the one I’ve shared. We all lose it sometimes. God is not only willing to forgive us, but also to change us to become more like Him. When our patience fails, let’s remember to thank God for His unfailing patience toward us.

Oh God, help me by changing my heart deeply, and please do the same for those reading this who may also be yearning for greater patience on their journey too.